imaginepageant (imaginepageant) wrote,
imaginepageant
imaginepageant

Fox Legacy 1:1









Meet Fiona Fox—hey, Fiona? How about making a less ridiculous face so we can all get a proper look at you?





Just a little bit less ridiculous than that...





No, we're still not there. Try again.





AH! THERE! Meet Fiona Fox!

FIONA FOX

Traits: Absent-minded, brave, kleptomaniac, mooch, schmoozer
LTW: Pervasive Private Eye





Fiona lives in the bustling city of Bridgeport, and insists on taking a cab to the subway and then when she gets out of the subway on the other end of the city she hails another cab to take her to her destination. I have come to understand this is normal practice in Bridgeport. I do not approve.





First item on the Universal Legacy Founder Agenda©: get a job. BUT WAIT—what is that I see in the distance?





PIGEONS! I definitely approve.





Fiona's first case as a professional eavesdropper brings her to some apartment building or other.

Fiona: Wait, why did I come here again?





Fiona: OMG A BOY IS BEHIND ME. What do I do what do I do what do I do...

Boy: Um, how about talk to me?





Fiona: Wait, I know... I'll talk to him! Yes! I'm brilliant! But... what do I talk to him about?

Boy: Look, if you ever figure it out, call me.





Second item on the Universal Legacy Founder Agenda©: find a husband. Fiona headed to the nearest bar, only to find it completely deserted, but for the bartender.





Bartender: How you doin'?

Fiona: OMG HE'S LOOKING AT ME. WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.





Hey, Mr. Bartender? You want to pay a bit more attention to where you're aiming your BLOWTORCH? I'd like my legacy founder to live at least a full twenty-four hours, if you don't mind.





Some celebrity shows up, but Fiona's too drunk to notice.

Fiona: Drunk? What do you mean, drunk?





Fiona: I'm totally not drunk. Hah. Hahaha. My face feels funny.





Fiona: OKAY WATCH. JUST WATCH. WATCH. I'M TOTALLY GOING TO GO MAKE A FRIEND. WATCH. I CAN DO THIS.





Fiona: So, um. Like. Hi. Be my friend?

Some Celebrity: As if.





Fiona: Can I go home now?





Your alcoholism is showing, Fiona.





Fiona: I am a GHOST. NO ONE will be able to see me behind this brilliant disguise. NO ONE.





I don't know. You might've done better pretending to be a dumpster. Or a brick wall. Or a pigeon. Pretty much anything but a bush, seeing as the nearest foliage is a block and a half away.





Back at home, Fiona attempts to make mac 'n' cheese. I let her. SPOILERS: This was a very bad decision.





Fiona: DAMMIT I HAVE TO PEE.





Fiona: Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine for a few minutes.





Totally fine.





I didn't bother buying a fire alarm since it takes those no-good lazy firemen three hours to respond, and Fiona's brave enough to deal with fires herself, anyway.

Fiona: How does this thing work, again?

Look, I said brave. Not smart.





Fiona: Pwned, bitch.





Fiona: OH I FORGOT! I'M HUNGRY! GAH! FOOD! NEED FOOD!





Canned soup it is.





Apparently, being an eavesdropper equals being a hacker. Every case was "Hack into this guy's computer" and "hack into that guy's computer" and "HACK HACK HACKITY HACK HACK." So I had to use the bit of money I'd socked away for insurance to buy a computer (and that awesome investigator's board that I've been wanting to use forever).





Vampire: ...and then I'll need you to hack into his forum account and call the mod a noopen poopen. So, what do you say? Up for the job?

Fiona: Lalala... hey, you're kind of cute. Hold on a second.





Fiona: Okay, ready. HI I'M FIONA NICE TO MEET YOU!

Vampire: But... but I've been talking to you for the last ten minutes.

Fiona: Psh, no you weren't. I think I might have noticed that.





Fiona spends the rest of her day RUNNING AT TOP SPEED around town in her little black dress and stilettos.





HOLY BREASTS, BATMAN.





Bouncer: If you want in, I'm going to need to see some cash.

Fiona: Oh! Okay! Here's $50. Can I go in now?

Bouncer: LOL, NO.





Fiona: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?

Bouncer: In your dreams, sweetheart.

Fiona: BUT I'M WEARING MY HOT GIRL DISGUISE! YOU HAVE TO LET ME IN!





After a busy night of getting kicked out of clubs, Fiona attempts to make waffles, and sort of succeeds. I'll take burned waffles to a burned-down stove.





Fiona: Okay, I hacked into the forum and—HOLY CRAP YOU'RE A VAMPIRE?

Vampire: Obviously. I'm glowing, aren't I?

Fiona: Please don't eat me.





What is this? Someone is actually calling Fiona? Who could it be? An attractive, virile male with a high sperm count?





Fiona: No, I'm perfectly happy with my current long distance plan, thanks.





The problem with having an absent-minded Sim in Bridgeport is that, 50% of the time, they have absolutely no idea where they are or where they're going when they get off the subway.





Fiona: Okay. I'm wearing my hot girl disguise and I'm going to give you $50. What do you say?

Bouncer: Please leave the premises, ma'am.

Fiona: BUT I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEE.





Fiona: So when I couldn't get into any of the good clubs, I came here! Great story, right?

Bartender: Please stop talking to me.





HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO, NURSE!





Hello, grumpy.





Fiona: Do I haaaaaave to talk to him? God. This socialization stuff is bullshit.

Ryan: Nice to meet you, too.





How about not scaring him away with your crazy face two seconds after meeting him? Can we try that sometime?





What better way to get a guy to like you than to let him drill permanent ink into your skin? I mean, if that's not a metaphor for lovemaking, I don't know what is.





Fiona: Okay, so, if I pay him $150 for the tattoo, I'll have $325 left. And my bills are, what? $171 or something? So that will leave me with... GOD MATH IS HARD.

Ryan: Wow, look at the time!





Ryan: Gotta run! See ya!

Fiona: Hey, why does my arm hurt?





Naturally, I stalked him until I discovered where he lived.





First thing in the morning, Fiona heads over to his building to charm him.

Fiona: Yeah, I'm totally going to have this guy's babies. His eyes, my hair... our children are going to be beautiful! I should know, I Photoshopped our pictures together last night to see what they'd look like. BEAUTIFUL.

Ryan: Shit. I'm screwed.





WAIT, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE? What did you get for your birthday, a big box of UGLY?





Really, I don't think the bush thing is going to work...





OR IS IT? These two didn't seem to notice Fiona at all while they were exchanging suspicious-looking documents. However, Fiona didn't seem to notice them, either, because she wasn't able to write a police report about the shady deal once she got home. Somehow, this does not surprise me.





Earn those logic skill points, my pretty. EARN THEM.





Fiona: AAAAAAAAAH OMG OMG OMG CANNOT UNSEE WHAT I HAVE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!





Well hello, Trajan Moss! Fancy meeting you here!





Trajan: Look, you're cute and all, but the vampire's kind of freaking me out.

Fiona: What vampire?





Vampire: YOU SMELL LIKE LAVENDER AND FREESIA.





The next day, Fiona combs the beach for a missing wallet.





Smudge of dirt? You're surrounded by SAND. IT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL DIRT.





Fiona: What I Learned Today, by Fiona Fox. 1) Sand is like dirt. 2) Don't look into the sun through a magnifying glass.





Fiona: HELLO FUTURE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN. I was hoping to get another tattoo. I'm totally not here to stalk you or scrutinize your face for possible hereditary weaknesses. Nope.

Ryan: Oh, hey... just hold on for one minute, okay?





RUN, BOY. RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.





This is the thief of the aforementioned wallet that Fiona spent an afternoon searching for. His name is Barry Tenderlove. This greatly amuses me.





GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.





Fiona: So listen. How about you just give me back the wallet and no one gets hurt?

Barry: BRING IT, BITCH.

Fiona: Okay! You leave me no choice!





Fiona: THE HOT GIRL DISGUISE! He will not be able to resist my feminine wiles now! He'll be eating out of my hands in no time! I've totally got this!

Barry: I can hear you, you know. I mean, I'm standing right here.

Fiona: TOTALLY GOT THIS.





Oh, really? Well, okay. I guess she likes the bad boys.





Fiona: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Barry: "Yield." See ya.

Fiona: GOD DAMMIT WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.





Fiona: Don't burn don't burn don't burn don't burn don't burn...





SUCCESS! Except for, you know, the outrageous mess she somehow managed to make with cheese and bread.





Finally, FINALLY, Ryan agrees to come over. This was only the seventh time we asked him.





He rings the doorbell, stands in the front yard for exactly three minutes, and then leaves. Maybe it was crazy Fiona watching him through the window that changed his mind.





Fiona: Hi, Barry? It's Fiona. Yeah, the private investigator. Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to come over and hang out? I promise I won't ask for the wallet again. I just want to get to know you better.

By "get to know you better," she means "befriend you so you'll be more likely to say yes when I ask for the wallet again." It has come to that.





Luckily, unlike every single other guy she has met so far, Barry actually seems interested in her. IT'S A MIRACLE.





Fiona: So listen. You should know that giving me that wallet would greatly increase your chances of getting into my pants. Just saying.

Barry: Well, okay. It is the right thing to do, after all.

Fiona: That's wonderful! And look, I'm a little short on cash so I'm just going to take whatever's left in the wallet before I give it back to its owner. Kthx!





Fiona: BEST PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR EVER? I THINK SO!





It isn't long before they're sucking face on the couch. Finally! This legacy may just seen generation two yet!





Hold that thought.

Fiona: What? What'd I do? Do I have something in my teeth? Can you taste the grilled cheese I had for lunch? That's it, isn't it? Cheese breath? Is that it? Is it? What?





Aaaaaawwwwwwwkward.





NEXT TIME:

Will Fiona ever find someone to love her?
Will there be babies?
Will the house burn down?

Thanks for reading!