Fiona lives in the bustling city of Bridgeport, and insists on taking a cab to the subway and then when she gets out of the subway on the other end of the city she hails another cab to take her to her destination. I have come to understand this is normal practice in Bridgeport. I do not approve.
Fiona: OMG HE'S LOOKING AT ME. WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Hey, Mr. Bartender? You want to pay a bit more attention to where you're aiming your BLOWTORCH? I'd like my legacy founder to live at least a full twenty-four hours, if you don't mind.
Some celebrity shows up, but Fiona's too drunk to notice.
Fiona: Drunk? What do you mean, drunk?
Fiona: I'm totally not drunk. Hah. Hahaha. My face feels funny.
Fiona: OKAY WATCH. JUST WATCH. WATCH. I'M TOTALLY GOING TO GO MAKE A FRIEND. WATCH. I CAN DO THIS.
Fiona: So, um. Like. Hi. Be my friend?
Some Celebrity: As if.
Fiona: Can I go home now?
Your alcoholism is showing, Fiona.
Fiona: I am a GHOST. NO ONE will be able to see me behind this brilliant disguise. NO ONE.
I don't know. You might've done better pretending to be a dumpster. Or a brick wall. Or a pigeon. Pretty much anything but a bush, seeing as the nearest foliage is a block and a half away.
Back at home, Fiona attempts to make mac 'n' cheese. I let her. SPOILERS: This was a very bad decision.
Fiona: DAMMIT I HAVE TO PEE.
Fiona: Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine for a few minutes.
I didn't bother buying a fire alarm since it takes those no-good lazy firemen three hours to respond, and Fiona's brave enough to deal with fires herself, anyway.
Fiona: How does this thing work, again?
Look, I said brave. Not smart.
Fiona: Pwned, bitch.
Fiona: OH I FORGOT! I'M HUNGRY! GAH! FOOD! NEED FOOD!
Canned soup it is.
Apparently, being an eavesdropper equals being a hacker. Every case was "Hack into this guy's computer" and "hack into that guy's computer" and "HACK HACK HACKITY HACK HACK." So I had to use the bit of money I'd socked away for insurance to buy a computer (and that awesome investigator's board that I've been wanting to use forever).
Vampire: ...and then I'll need you to hack into his forum account and call the mod a noopen poopen. So, what do you say? Up for the job?
Fiona: Lalala... hey, you're kind of cute. Hold on a second.
Fiona: Okay, ready. HI I'M FIONA NICE TO MEET YOU!
Vampire: But... but I've been talking to you for the last ten minutes.
Fiona: Psh, no you weren't. I think I might have noticed that.
Fiona spends the rest of her day RUNNING AT TOP SPEED around town in her little black dress and stilettos.
HOLY BREASTS, BATMAN.
Bouncer: If you want in, I'm going to need to see some cash.
After a busy night of getting kicked out of clubs, Fiona attempts to make waffles, and sort of succeeds. I'll take burned waffles to a burned-down stove.
Fiona: Okay, I hacked into the forum and—HOLY CRAP YOU'RE A VAMPIRE?
Vampire: Obviously. I'm glowing, aren't I?
Fiona: Please don't eat me.
What is this? Someone is actually calling Fiona? Who could it be? An attractive, virile male with a high sperm count?
Fiona: No, I'm perfectly happy with my current long distance plan, thanks.
The problem with having an absent-minded Sim in Bridgeport is that, 50% of the time, they have absolutely no idea where they are or where they're going when they get off the subway.
Fiona: Okay. I'm wearing my hot girl disguise and I'm going to give you $50. What do you say?
Bouncer: Please leave the premises, ma'am.
Fiona: BUT I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Fiona: So when I couldn't get into any of the good clubs, I came here! Great story, right?
Bartender: Please stop talking to me.
Fiona: Do I haaaaaave to talk to him? God. This socialization stuff is bullshit.
Ryan: Nice to meet you, too.
How about not scaring him away with your crazy face two seconds after meeting him? Can we try that sometime?
What better way to get a guy to like you than to let him drill permanent ink into your skin? I mean, if that's not a metaphor for lovemaking, I don't know what is.
Fiona: Okay, so, if I pay him $150 for the tattoo, I'll have $325 left. And my bills are, what? $171 or something? So that will leave me with... GOD MATH IS HARD.
Ryan: Wow, look at the time!
Ryan: Gotta run! See ya!
Fiona: Hey, why does my arm hurt?
Naturally, I stalked him until I discovered where he lived.
First thing in the morning, Fiona heads over to his building to charm him.
Fiona: Yeah, I'm totally going to have this guy's babies. His eyes, my hair... our children are going to be beautiful! I should know, I Photoshopped our pictures together last night to see what they'd look like. BEAUTIFUL.
Ryan: Shit. I'm screwed.
WAIT, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE? What did you get for your birthday, a big box of UGLY?
Really, I don't think the bush thing is going to work...
OR IS IT? These two didn't seem to notice Fiona at all while they were exchanging suspicious-looking documents. However, Fiona didn't seem to notice them, either, because she wasn't able to write a police report about the shady deal once she got home. Somehow, this does not surprise me.
Earn those logic skill points, my pretty. EARN THEM.
Fiona: AAAAAAAAAH OMG OMG OMG CANNOT UNSEE WHAT I HAVE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!
SUCCESS! Except for, you know, the outrageous mess she somehow managed to make with cheese and bread.
Finally, FINALLY, Ryan agrees to come over. This was only the seventh time we asked him.
He rings the doorbell, stands in the front yard for exactly three minutes, and then leaves. Maybe it was crazy Fiona watching him through the window that changed his mind.
Fiona: Hi, Barry? It's Fiona. Yeah, the private investigator. Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to come over and hang out? I promise I won't ask for the wallet again. I just want to get to know you better.
By "get to know you better," she means "befriend you so you'll be more likely to say yes when I ask for the wallet again." It has come to that.
Luckily, unlike every single other guy she has met so far, Barry actually seems interested in her. IT'S A MIRACLE.
Fiona: So listen. You should know that giving me that wallet would greatly increase your chances of getting into my pants. Just saying.
Barry: Well, okay. It is the right thing to do, after all.
Fiona: That's wonderful! And look, I'm a little short on cash so I'm just going to take whatever's left in the wallet before I give it back to its owner. Kthx!
Fiona: BEST PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR EVER? I THINK SO!
It isn't long before they're sucking face on the couch. Finally! This legacy may just seen generation two yet!
Hold that thought.
Fiona: What? What'd I do? Do I have something in my teeth? Can you taste the grilled cheese I had for lunch? That's it, isn't it? Cheese breath? Is that it? Is it? What?
Will Fiona ever find someone to love her?
Will there be babies?
Will the house burn down?