LAST TIME: Georgia and Marley were married, immediately after which Marley had a midlife crisis. Cassia and Corbin were born, and had the easiest childhoods in the legacy's history.
Georgia: Happy birthday! Yaaaaaaaaay!
Cassia: IT HURTS
I didn't realize until later that I'd forgotten to give her glasses. So pretend that she was trying out contact lenses for a few days.
She rolled snob for her fourth trait, and commenced a close, intimate relationship with every mirror in the house.
Cassia: BUT GRANDMA! I can't go to school with this ZIT! I'll be MORTIFIED!
Troy: Get used to it, darling.
I finally got tired of the dishwasher breaking every other day and had Troy upgrade it to unbreakable. I don't know why I didn't do this ages ago!
Meanwhile, Jacques is outside upgrading the sprinkler to be automatic. I didn't even know this was possible! It was a very happy discovery.
Hey, bus driver? I think you're in the wrong game. This isn't Sims Medieval.
Cassia met this guy at school, so I had him meet us at the park that evening. I can't remember his name but it's something like Bradley or Bentley.
He starts off the outing by talking about other women. This does not bode well.
Cassia: I'm just a girl looking for someone to lov—Oh my god are you looking at my zit?
Bradley-or-Bentley: No... but I think it's looking at me.
Back at home, the boys are boring.
But Corbin does have an adorable awkward smile.
SERIOUSLY WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS USE ANYTHING WITHOUT BREAKING IT?
The next day, this guy came home with Cassia. He's a Penner. A twice-over Penner, actually—he's Georgia's cousin on his mother's side, and Troy's second cousin on his father's side. My game has officially turned into the Jerry Springer Show.
Cassia: THE WORLD SUCKS, TEEHEE!
Rod: Yes, quite.
WAIT. Can we get a close-up on Rod, please?
What in god's name is wrong with this kid's nose?!
Being related was one thing, but the busted nose is a whole different beast. I had Cassia call Bradley-or-Bentley over immediately.
Cassia: Baby, your legs must be tired, because you've been running through my head all day.
Rod: My heart. It is broken.
Cassia: Just so you know, I'm pretty awesome. You should feel priveleged just to be in my presence. Also, I will allow you to take me to the prom. Aren't you lucky?
Bradley-or-Bentley: Oh look at the time! I'd better get going!
Cassia: ...What'd I say?
Georgia, I appreciate you reading Corbin to bed. But does it have to be in Cassia's bed?
Corbin's such a goody-two-shoes. He's always thanking everyone for cleaning up and rolling wants to give people gifts. It's sweet, in a slightly sickening kind of way.
Jacques: So I bought this new book the other day... it's called the Karma Suture or something. Anyway, it gave me some ideas. Want to try something new?
Troy: Okay, as long as it's not too trashy.
I thought I'd give them a final roll in the hay, since they were both due to die any day. I'm nice like that.
Georgia: I'M GROWING UP! WHY ISN'T ANYONE WATCHING? MOM? DAD? MARLEY? KIDS? ANYONE? ...I HATE YOU ALL.
Rowf. Total MILF.
Mmm, bloody flesh pie! It's actually supposed to be cherry cobbler, but I don't know. It looks much more like something out of a horror movie than dessert. And it just happens to be Jacques's favorite food so he makes it all the time. Yay.
That morning, Corbin decided he wanted to be a red T-Rex.
But when he came out for breakfast later, he was a pink T-Rex. I chuckled. It was the most interesting thing he had done in his whole life.
Jacques: Cereal? CEREAL? But I made you bloody flesh pie for breakfast!
Cassia: Just ignore him, Corbin. He'll go away eventually.
Cassia: Hey, Bradley-or-Bentley! How about we meet at the park and head to the prom from th... what do you mean, who is this? It's Cassia! Cassia Penner! ...Hello?
With time to find a prom date running out, I sent Cassia to the nearest house with a teenaged boy. This is said teenaged boy, whose name I also cannot remember. I really should start writing stuff down.
Anyway, immediately after inviting Cassia in, the teenaged boy left. I assume to go to the prom. Jerk.
So I did what any rational person would: made Cassia skip the prom and leave a flaming bag of poo on the teenaged boy's doorstep.
It didn't quite go as planned.
Jacques: A flaming bag of poo? POO, CASSIA? YOU ARE GROUNDED, YOUNG LADY!
Fine by Cassia. Gives her more time to spend with her favorite person in the world: herself.
First, the pink T-Rex costume. Now, a tea party. Corbin, I'm beginning to wonder about you.
Our special seeds have begun to sprout, and I believe these might be life fruit trees. I hope they are, because I'd really like Troy to finish her ~Master Invention~ before she dies.
The next morning, I discover the mailman having... issues.
Apparently going to school does count as sneaking out. A+ work as always, EAxis.
Jacques (autonomously) let Cassia off the hook that evening. Still a softie at heart.
I just now realized that the high chair is still in the kitchen. Oops.
Looks like Corbin got all of his mother's features. Keeping with the goody-two-shoes theme, he rolled family-oriented.
I guess birthday cake isn't good enough for Mrs. Lobster Thermidor down there on the end.
Morning dance party with your father while you're still in your nightshirt? No, that's not awkward at all.
It just doesn't get any more hippie than playing acoustic guitar at a protest.
Meanwhile, the kids spend their Saturday at the local fishing hole, and manage to catch a couple of minnows. Somehow, this convinced Corbin that he was destined to be a great chef, and he rolled the Culinary Librarian LTW.
Back at home, Troy's stone sculpture crumbles to reveal a lump of... Woohooium? Huh. That's interesting.
But before I could test its uses...
Jacques: No! Not yet! I have to add fabric softener! FABRIC SOFTENERRRRRRRRRR!
As per usual, Death collects Jacques's soul from an entirely different room. I'm starting to doubt he will ever get this right.